How to discipline a crazy person

Now, we do not have this stuff figured out. But I did talk to three close friends that I trust as parents and I also talked to my own parents who were there to witness, fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, what was probably Eden's worst week.

It was interesting that despite having some different approaches to discipline [some have chosen not to spank and some have a "spanking spoon"] they all had some common things to say. Even though they often used different language to describe it, they said a lot of the same stuff. As a summary, some of the important things that came through were ...

1. Your child should know that they are loved.
2. You have to be consistent.
3. Your child needs (and wants) boundaries, rules, and discipline from you.

So, what were some of the specifics?

• I'm the boss. Two of the moms basically said the same thing but in different language. One said she told her child that God told her what to do as a mom and she was doing what God told her to do. It was her child's job to do what she said. She said that really got through to him. One mom said she and her husband told her child it was their job to be parents and the daughter's job to be the child. It was their job to keep her safe and health, and while she might not like it sometimes it was her job to do what they said. They spent alot of time talking about how they had to follow what their parents said when they were little, i.e. Nana and Pop told me what to do and I had to do it.
• Time-in's. One mom said they tried to focus on time-in's alot. If she could tell a confrontation was coming or that her daughter was getting to the point of no return, she'd try as hard as she could to stop being mad herself and ask her daughter, "Do you need a hug? I think you need a hug." Then, they'd spend a minute in a break, sit down, and get composed. Then, they'd go back to what they were doing. She said this was the time she spent most in prayer, for herself and her daughter. Man, that is hard to do ... to take a break from your own anger to be able to successfully get a 3-year-old away from her own frustration. Eden can smell anger and frustration a mile away and seems to feed off of it. It sends her into a tail spin that only true calmness can combat.

Serious discipline/punishment vs. other methods. Everybody had something that was the big one of discipline (spanking spoon, time outs) and also had other things in their arsenal.

• Taking things away. I heard mutliple times about taking things away. One mom, during an especially difficult time, took every single toy out of her son's room while he was asleep one night. When he woke up and nothing was there, she told him that when he showed he could be nice and do what she asked, he'd get something back. Others put special toys in time-outs but on display in the house.
• Being "mean." One mom said she'd hold her children by their upper arms/shoulders, pull them in within a few inches of her face, and talk meanly/strictly to them about what they were not going to do, etc. I tried one time last week to talk to Eden in the strictest voice I could muster when she was stalling going back into her room for quiet time. I had Lydia in my arms and was sitting in a chair. I would normally have said, "E, you've got to go back in your room." Instead, I said, "I have given you a few minutes to do what you needed. Now, you are going to go to your room." Then, I put the recliner foot down (which made a loud noise) and went to put Lydia down. Eden ran in her room.
• No more questions. For a while now, we've tried not to ask E any questions. After my mom mentioned it once, I realized how many things we were asking E to decide ... Where do you want to take a bath, your bathroom or mommy's? Do you want to wathc PBSkids? Where do you want to sit for dinner? Do you want milk or water? Do you want your milk hot or cold? And on and on. Most of these questions we really didn't even expect an answer for. It's seriously hard to not ask any questions, but we've changed. Eden will tell us if she wants something done differently. So, we try to just tell her what is going to happen.
• Family rules. Multiple times I heard that children need to know the specific things that are off limits. One set of parents had a rules meeting where they came up with a list of rules, and yes the parents had to follow them, too. Eden loves lists, so we've come up with five for our family focused on what we're dealing with now (see below).
• Teach them what to do with anger. Teach them to clap their hands furiously or stomp their feet or yell in their closet or say uugggghhhhh.
• Logical/immediate consequences. Trying to make the punishment/consequence directly related to the offending action. For example, when E refused to let me brush her teeth and was screaming in protest, I knew I didn't want to physically force it (I wasn't going to win) so after consoling and talking didn't work I told her we weren't going anywhere until she brushed her teeth. We'd miss story time if she kept it up too long. She pulled the potty trump card so we did that, but after a few minutes of me putting her down, not engaging and telling her the consequence she changed her tune.
• Try to figure out the problem/ avoid triggers. One of our first nights at CC and Granddaddy's E was having a major meltdown with flailing aems and legs. After a minute, G thought to ask her why she was mad. Her angry response, "This is not my bed. This is not my pillow. This is a  strange place." Wow. She loves her CC and Grandaddy's. It's just dealing with changing her routine that she needs help with.

At one point, I combined a number of these and while talking about her day one night told her what would happen if she ever hit or kicked her sister (Lydia had been close to Eden when she started a fit and E's legged nudged her sister. It was an immediate time-out with a serious, stern "You will not kick your sister."). That night, I told her that if she hit or kicked her sister that I would take something away from her and that she would not be happy. Being happy is Eden's big thing. Are all 3-year-old's so focused on being happy? Every time she gets in trouble, she asks if we're happy when it's over. So strange. I now try to tell her that I'm not happy with what she did. Anyhow, telling her she wouldn't be happy really got her attention. When she asked what I'd take away, I told her it might be her doctor stuff or her books that I wasn't sure but she would not be happy.

Use magic. One new thing I came up with tonight was the "magic family hug." I told Eden that if she was ever mad or frustrated I knew one magic thing she could do that would make her feel better. She could go to anybody in our family, give them a hug, squeeze as tightly as she could [this is key], and then both people breath in and out really slowly and loudly together. I mean really,wouldn't it make that knot inside you go away if you did that? We practiced, and it worked.

This post is way long now. To wrap up, here's our family rules list with Eden's comments ...
 

1.        Love each other.

2.      Speak nicely. No yelling. [but you can yell at yourself, like this “aaaaahhhhhhh]

3.        Do what you’re asked to do.

4.        No hitting or kicking. [but you can hit the wall or stomp your feet]

5.        Tell the truth. [what does tell the truth mean?]

[p.s. We love the book "Happiest Toddler on the Block." Good old Harv has some really interesting things to share about cave-man talk, the fast-food rule, patience stretching, magic breathing, etc. If you haven't read this one, I think you should. It's great.]